Moovin Right Along

I was slammed with a pretty intense migraine this morning. I rarely have them. I was worried, since my last meal had been at 5 PM and mild pain started happening around 9 PM, that ibuprofen would upset my stomach and I wouldn't be able to sleep and I'd stay up all night thinking about how hungry I was, or at least felt, considering I'd by no means deprived myself of the nutrition I needed for the day. Bad call, as I didn't really sleep anyway.... Thankfully, I took the ibuprofen in the morning, went back to bed for about 3 hours, and was good as new.

I've been doing some research on calorie consumption. As it turns out, the only possible way I could maintain my starting weight (the past couple years I haven't gained or lost more than 5 lbs away from 365) is to consume an average of 3,000 calories a day AND maintain a sedentary lifestyle. I don't doubt for a second I've been doing this, though it is shocking to see the actual number. I've never been one to track calories, especially when I don't want to know. I'd hazard a guess that most emotional eaters are like this. When I'm upset or excited, I want my favorite tastes, textures, and smells to fill me up, and I don't care what the consequences are. I will keep eating to the point of physical discomfort. Then, an hour later, I'm going to need another hit --- cheese, pasta, bacon, sour cream, french fries, cake... whatever it is, it will be high in fat, salt, and/or sugar. And no matter how much I eat, it will never be enough.

I commit, from yesterday forward, fueled by my own choice and not external pressure, to alter my view on eating. I am desperately addicted to the idea of food as companionship, and have never before been willing to publicly admit I was wrong and literally killing myself. I wouldn't be surprised if that migraine was simply the pleasure center of my brain sassing back at me. We are NOT going another 24 hours sans a Double Whopper w/cheese. Get your ass in the car, buy one, and promise you'll never do this again.

I'm saying no this time. I've been to the brink of suicide, almost fell over that ledge, and when I became wise enough to understand what my actions against myself meant, I said no. This is not for me. That's the same thing I'm saying to food today, and for the rest of my days, one at a time.